Look After You Series Box Set Read online

  I hadn’t planned to have the birth alone. My best friend, Caleb, was supposed to be my birthing partner but as luck would have it, he was flying over the Atlantic Ocean for a business trip to London. I managed to get hold of him when I was in labor, and he is currently on standby for a flight back to the states. I wanted to tell him not to rush back, but when the tears forced through, I realized I needed him.

  I’m startled when a doctor in a white coat joins me and takes hold of my daughter’s chart. My heart is pounding in my chest, and it takes me a moment to compose myself. When I look up, I can’t keep my eyes off him. He has the most unusual green eyes I have ever seen.

  “I’m Dr. Bailey, one of your daughter’s neonatologists.”

  “Hi,” I say with a small smile.

  He crouches down to the wheelchair level, and I can’t ignore the patter of my heart, beating a little faster when he does. I didn’t realize doctors could be so good-looking, or so young for that matter. He honestly can’t be any older than thirty.

  “I’m going to try and keep the medical jargon to a minimum. I know you’ve been through a lot, so this will be brief. Your daughter is stable, doing brilliantly. She has responded well to the surfactant replacement, and her breathing is improving remarkably. Her X-rays confirm that. Her blood pressure is normal for her gestation. She is, however, showing early signs of jaundice.”

  He pauses on a sympathetic smile. “In simple terms, the liver produces a yellow chemical called bilirubin. Bilirubin is a waste product of the breakdown of red blood cells, and in preemies they seem to accumulate more red blood cells than your average person. Because they have an immature liver and kidneys, it prevents them from breaking the bilirubin down efficiently, therefore, producing the jaundice and causing the skin to have yellow pigmentation. It can be fatal if not treated, so we’re going to keep a close eye on her for the next twenty-four to seventy-two hours. If her bilirubin level continues to rise we will proceed with phototherapy, which will help dissolve the bilirubin and change it from fat-soluble to water-soluble so that it’s able to be excreted through the urine and stools.”

  He stands, and I continue to stare at him, dumfounded at the information. My mind is in such a whirlwind that it’s quite possible I will forget what he said in a couple of minutes time.

  “I’m going to examine her now, take a blood sample and check her vitals, and then I’ll be out of your hair.” He smiles down at me before turning towards my daughter and opening up her medical chart.

  “That’s okay, I don’t mind,” I state softly, finally finding my voice as I follow my gaze from him to my daughter. I can see Dr. Bailey from the corner of my eye as he sets her chart back into the little pouch on the side of her incubator, and then goes to work by opening the small isolette doors on the incubator. Soon enough he begins to draw blood from her umbilical catheter, and it makes me wince slightly. I’ve never been great with the sight of blood.

  “Have you thought of any names for Baby Jacobson?” he asks as he continues drawing blood, obviously trying to help fill up the silence.

  “Um, no … it all happened a bit too quickly.” What kind of mother am I? I haven’t even come up with a name for my daughter, and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m supposed to call her. My tears begin to fall again.

  “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. He takes the tube of blood and shuts the doors to the incubator, reaching over to pass me a tissue.

  “It’s fine,” I say breathlessly through a sob as I accept a tissue. “It’s just a sore subject. I’ve been like this all day.” I wave my hand in front of my face as if it isn’t a big deal.

  It is.

  It’s a huge deal.

  “Your body has been through a lot. It’s normal to feel all of these emotions, and as for the names, you’re not the only one. My sister-in-law was exactly the same. It took her about four weeks to decide on a name for my nephew.” He smirks. “What I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. The name will come, and if not, Baby Jacobson isn’t so bad.” He raises his eyebrows. “It’s better than Stir Mix-a-Lot, which was my nephew’s nickname for four weeks straight.”

  I don’t know how he does it, but he manages to get a bubble of laughter out of me. It’s the first feeling of happiness I’ve had since before I gave birth to my baby girl. “Seriously? As in Sir Mix-a-Lot?” I ask, wiping my runny nose as delicately as possible with the tissue.

  “As wrong as it sounds, yes. She changed the Sir to Stir as he was a very wriggly baby.”

  I smile up at him before looking back at my daughter. She is currently stretching her left arm with her tiny fingers wriggling around.

  “It seems you got yourself a wriggler too. She looks as if she’s trying to reach out to you.” He points towards her arm that has gone all opera style with her stretching.

  “You think so?” I ask, through a smile.

  “Oh yeah, definitely. She says so herself.” I can’t help but I choke on another laugh when her forefinger curls up, as if she were beckoning me towards her. “I wish I could hold her, even if it’s just to hold her hand,” I say, looking intently at her.

  “It’s a little too early to hold her, but you can definitely hold her hand.”

  “Really?” I graze my hand over the plastic of her incubator.

  He unclips the porthole to the incubator and opens the door. “Well, as long as your hands are well sanitized, to avoid any infection for your baby, then you’re good to go.”

  I move my arm upwards a little apprehensively and place my hand through the porthole. I look back up towards Dr. Bailey to ensure I’m doing it correctly. With a nod of encouragement from him, I look back towards my beautiful daughter and gently graze my finger within the base of her hand. I stroke it in delicate circles until she grasps my finger so tightly I actually gasp in shock.

  “Baby girl, you’re so strong,” I say through uncontrollable tears. I can’t believe it. I’m actually holding my daughter’s hand, and it feels incredible. After a short while my eyes become such a blurred mess that I have to remove my hand from the incubator so I don’t poke her in the eye or something. I gently close the door and turn the latch securely in place. I glance back up to the doctor and smile.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, in awe. He has quickly become my favorite person. He has made my day just that little more bearable and he even managed to put a smile on my face.

  “No problem.”

  His gaze lasts a little bit longer than is usually regarded as socially acceptable; his eyes are so bright and beautiful that I could get lost in them for hours. His hand touches my shoulder, and he lingers for a few seconds with a soft squeeze before walking away, leaving me winded and quite possibly electrified. His touch was like wildfire. The moment his fingers touched my shoulder my entire body almost exploded.

  After a short while of just gazing contently at my baby girl, the nurse who brought me in comes back. “Sorry to interrupt, doll, but we should really get you back to your room. It’s been a long day and you need your rest. Plus, your midwife said you’re having trouble expressing your breast milk, so she wants to see if you have more success the second time round.”

  I was advised for the first forty-eight hours that I needed to hand express my breast milk rather than express from a pump, so I tried earlier on. I don’t know if it was the stress of today or because I am so exhausted, but I couldn’t express a drop. I’ve been told that breast milk is better than formula for premature babies as it helps with nutrition and can provide antibodies from infections, and I’m absolutely devastated that my daughter will have to use donated breast milk until I can express my own. My body is letting me down again.

  I press my fingers to my lips and linger them against the incubator, just where my baby girl’s head is resting. “Bye, baby. I’ll be back soon. Momma needs some rest. I love you so much … keep fighting for your momma, please.” I weep as the nurse wheels me out of the NICU and towards my room.

  When I get settled back into my bed, the midwife assists with my hand expressing, and even though it’s still a struggle I manage to express a little. I hope with a good night’s sleep I can express more because I don’t know how much more of this I can handle, my body rejecting everything.

  The nurse leaves me to get some sleep, and as I allow sleep to evade me, the phone I have clutched in my hand alerts me to a text message. I smile when I see it’s from Caleb.

  Caleb: I’ve just boarded. I have a connecting flight into Dallas, then Dallas to Seattle, but I will be with you as soon as I can. Love you.

  Soft stroking against my hair shakes me out of my sleep. Slowly, I open my eyes and see Caleb looking down at me with a precious smile, his fingers lingering on my cheek.

  “Caleb,” I croak, rubbing my fingers against my eyes.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” he delicately whispers. I begin to sit up in my bed when I’m brought to a halt as pain shoots across my stomach, leaving me a little out of breath. “Are you okay? Should I get a nurse?” His eyes widen with worry.

  “I’m fine, it’s just my stomach. It fucking kills.” I clutch my arms around my stomach as I fully sit up.

  “You’re really okay?”

  “I am now you’re here.” I give a half smile as my eyes fill with the build-up of tears and my chin trembles with the essence of my emotion. “I’m so glad to see you. You don’t understand how hard ...”

  I gulp to try and remove the lump that seems to have become a permanent fixture in my throat. My mind goes back to yesterday, and it hits me with a vengeance. “How… hard yesterday was … I ...”

  Suddenly, something inside of me snaps with anger, an anger that I didn’t realize had risen to the surface. “You know what, Caleb
? I fucking needed you and you weren’t here!” I cry at the top of my voice, my throat crackling like sandpaper. “I gave birth to my baby on my own! I needed you here.”

  I slap him across his chest, the weight behind my hits striking hard and forceful as I continue to treat him like my own personal punch bag. “My fucking waters broke, and you were over the Atlantic fucking Ocean! You were supposed to be here!”

  My screams become muffled in Caleb’s chest as he grabs hold of me, wrapping his warm arms around my body. The hysterical tears fall down my cheeks, and I try to push him away, desperately trying to ignore the ball of fire that is currently shooting across my stomach, but his strong grip won’t let me. I scream into his chest. I don’t mean to take my anger out on him, but my emotion knows no bounds. Every inch of my body is trembling as I continue to claw against him.

  “Let me go!”

  The bed dips as I feel him straddle my legs, pinning me in place, trying to calm me down. It doesn’t work. In fact, it makes me even more furious. “Get it out, get it out, baby,” he encourages, rocking me back and forth in a steady rhythm as the anger continues to course through my body.

  “Fuck you!”

  The screams are eventually replaced with hyperventilating cries, then the cries slowly subside to allow for the hiccups and, finally, everything is silent. Once Caleb knows I have calmed down he repositions himself so he’s on his back, with my head against his chest and his arm wrapped around me. His hand lazily draws shapes along my back.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, the whisper so quiet I almost think he hasn’t even heard me.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about.” His lips linger in my hair.

  “I know, but you didn’t deserve that. None of this is your fault.” The guilt of my behavior simmers around in my stomach. I feel terrible.

  “I’m your best friend. If you need me to be your punching bag, then that’s what I’ll be.”

  I sigh contently, gripping hold of him more tightly, wanting to enjoy the closeness for a little while. He really is amazing. I love him so much. I would have married him if he didn’t prefer men.

  “When did you get here?”

  “My flight landed about two hours ago. I would’ve been here sooner, but I went to your place first to grab you a few things. I brought some sweatpants, PJ’s, some underwear, your phone-charger, and some toiletries.”

  I sit up from his embrace, hissing out in pain as I do. “Thanks, Caleb. Speaking of toiletries, I could really do with a shower. I feel gross.” Caleb is up on his feet to help me out of bed before I’ve even finished my sentence. “Hold up, speedy. Could you get me a nurse? I’m not sure if I can get my stomach wet yet.”

  “Okay, I’ll be back in a sec.” He exits the room, but as fate would have it, a nurse enters moments later. Thankfully the nurse will allow me to have a shower as long as I don’t get water directly over my caesarean wound.

  After, I dress in a pair of loose lounge pants and a comfortable sweatshirt. Caleb is currently braiding my wet hair while I sit on the edge of the bed, clutching my agonizing stomach.

  “Have you managed to contact Sebastian yet?”

  His question suddenly becomes a red alert. How long was I asleep for? Shouldn’t Sebastian have gotten the message by now? Panic circles through my veins as I picture bad scenario after bad scenario in my head. Shit, what if something has happened to him and he doesn’t even know about his daughter? Fuck no ...

  “Ava, what’s wrong?” I can hear Caleb, but he sounds distant. Disastrous images invade my mind, and I begin to feel nauseous and light-headed. A cold sweat breaks out over my body, and before I understand what’s happening I’m suddenly lying down on the bed with a panic-stricken Caleb standing over me and a doctor with a flashlight shining in my eyes.

  “Miss Jacobson, can you hear me?”

  I recognize the velvety strong voice, but I struggle to figure out who it is. I follow the sound with my eyes until I come across a pair of incredible green eyes, the same body tingling green eyes I saw yesterday. Strange. He’s my daughter’s doctor, not mine. I don’t understand why he’s here.

  “Dr. …”

  I rack my brain, trying to remember his name, but absolutely nothing comes to me. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me?

  “Dr. Bailey, we met yesterday. Do you remember me?”

  How could I not? His gaze is quite hypnotic. Wow, those eyes. They are really distracting. What did he ask me again?

  “Um, yeah … you’re the doctor with the pretty eyes.” Did I just say what I think I said? Oh my God. I can hear quiet chuckling, and I desperately wish the ground would swallow me up. I’m mortified.

  “So, Miss Jacobson, you took a bit of a funny turn. How are you feeling?” he asks, not once looking away from me. How does he know my name? I think back to what caused my dizzy spell ...

  “I um, I think it was a panic attack … I, um ...” The horror of the thoughts that had consumed my mind earlier begins its continuous loop of devastation again, making me feel light-headed.

  “Ava stay with me. Your panic attack, what’s happening?”

  “Sebastian … Sebastian is hurt … they have him … they’re going to kill him … but he doesn’t know about her yet … my baby girl … he can’t die yet … I need him … she needs him … he can’t die …”

  Everything goes black.

  I can hear voices begin to stir through my mind as consciousness slowly sweeps back in, but my eyes are too heavy to open. The two voices sound familiar, warm and comforting. It immediately relaxes me.

  “Is Sebastian her husband?” says voice number one. I think it’s Dr. Bailey.

  “No, he’s her boyfriend. He’s currently in Afghanistan,” says voice number two. Caleb. That is definitely Caleb.

  “Oh, I see.”

  “It’s his third tour. She hasn’t taken it very well, what with the pregnancy, and it isn’t exactly easy for her to get a hold of him. I’m worried. She isn’t herself, she’s having panic attacks, passing out, something I don’t think she has ever done in her entire life.”

  Did I really pass out? Jesus, my body won’t give me a break.

  “This screaming, out of control Ava is not the Ava I know. She’s usually much stronger than this.”

  What the hell, Caleb? It’s one thing admitting your own flaws, but it’s another hearing them come out of somebody else’s mouth. Especially when that mouth belongs to your best friend.

  “She’s been through a lot during the past thirty-two hours. Her body has been through something traumatic and she seems to be under a lot of stress. I’d say her behavior is absolutely normal.”

  “Really? So this is normal? She’ll be fine?”

  “Yes, of course, she will be. Her body is in shock, so we just need to let her rest ...”

  Sleep begins to pull me under again, and I’m unable to hear anything else that is said between Caleb and Dr. Bailey.

  I gradually wake up after what seems like a century of sleeping. I notice a sleeping Caleb with his head resting against the edge of my bed, his hand tightly wrapped around mine. He must be exhausted. The poor thing. I remove my hand to stroke gently through his hair, but with a sudden start he jerks his head backwards, looking around the room as he frantically tries to find his bearings. After a short moment of trying to work out where the hell he is, his eyes finally fall on me, and a small smile lifts from his lips.

  “Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” he asks through mid-yawn, covering his mouth with his hand.

  “I’m okay, I think ...” In fact, come to think of it, I have no idea how I’m feeling. It’s bizarre. It’s as though I’m not in control of my emotions. One minute I’m okay but then the next I’m turning into a raging bitch. My mind and body are a walking contradiction. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

  “Well, you look a little bit better, but you have to stop scaring the shit out of me like that. That’s twice in a matter of thirty-six hours. I can’t cope with anymore.” He slides his hand into mine again, giving it a gentle squeeze, then smiles warmly at me. “I have some good news for you.”

  I have no idea what good news he might have. In fact, what good news could I possibly have? My life in the past God knows how many hours has been a series of bad luck after bad luck. It couldn’t get any fucking worse, that’s for sure. Oh, Sebastian. Oh shit, Sebastian.